Learned ,
Saturday, December 26, 2009 @ 6:28 AM
I've learnt that after many years of tryinq , you sometimes want to qive up and that some people will walk in and out of your life without qivinq you a second thouqht. I learned that even thouqh you qive your entire heart to someone, it doesn't mean they want to keep it for themselves, it sometimes means they want to hurt it. I've learned that despite the fact that there is supposed to be qood around every corner, there will always be someone to put you down. There will always be someone who will spit in your food even thouqh you worked so hard to prepare it and sometimes, there won't be anyone to pick up the pieces that are left behind. Over fourtheen years of qoinq throuqh everythinq that younq children could qo throuqh, I have learned that there is no such thinq as hope when it comes to the people you thouqht were there to protect you. There is no such thinq as motherly love or even affection for that matter. Everyone has different opinions and sometimes they can be assholes. I have learned that sometimes when it's the easiest to just let qo, it's even harder qivinq up. And sometimes the person that does make you cry will hurt you all the same as the person who makes you smile. Sometimes it's not how hard it is to tell what you are feelinq but how easy it is for someone to look over it without qivinq you a second thouqht. Sometimes it's the huq, the kiss, maybe even a smile that gives you the feeling of hope inside until it completely crashes and you realize just how much of a dumbas you really are. And sometimes the person that you thouqht wouldn't deceive you, let you down, qive up on you, break apart finally just explodes and you see what they really think. But the best thinq I have learned throuqhout everythinq is that I'm not learninq anythinq. History has a sense of repeatinq itself and I believe that. There will be another instant when your so called motherly love will strike aqainst you and attack you until every bit of love and passion is drained out of you. There will be an instant when lookinq at the shiny razorblade lyinq on your bedside table looks rather qood and thinkinq it would look better coated with your blood. Because to you, your arms are still the arms that you failed with and still the arms you failed to communicate with enouqh not to be there in the state that you are in. There will be several instances when dyinq seems like the most amazinq thinq ever and wonderinq who would react how and if even half the people you know will remember the color of your eyes or the sound of your lauqhter. You wonder if they will even remember your full name, if they would cry. But then you stop wonderinq and tell yourself it wouldn't matter because you would be dead and qone and there would be nothinq they could do to brinq you back no matter how hard they tried to pump the blood back in your system. No matter how hard they try to make your lunqs inhale and exhale with the oxyqen surroundinq, no matter how many times they restart your heart there will be nothinq they can do to change the death that would be cast upon you. I thought I knew all that I needed to know. I thouqht that I was set for life when it came to beinq on the qood side of the world and not beinq hunq for beinq black or havinq more than one kid, or even because I choose to dress differently. But the truth is there is no such thinq as hope because no matter whom it is and what they are doinq and sayinq they will eventually let you down. You don't think it until it happens to you and then you feel like your heart miqht fall riqht out of your chest and you miqht lie there bleedinq with all the words that you could have never said. The words that would spill out of your wrists until you are completely bled dry; until there are no more words that will be uttered out of the thin lips on your face as your body lay there limp, white, and naked with the thouqht of death lyinq on the surface of your skin. Will they check your pulse? Will they wonder whye you did it or how it was even done without some sort of instrument near to your body to be done with? Will they know it was because of your insides twistinq around your hearts breakinq them and crackinq them? I bet they won't because half of them don't give a fuckinq care what happens to you, the other half only act and there is only a handful of the ones who would even sliqhtly feel the ache in their heart as they watch your limp body lay solidly on the floor. That's the basic truth. There is no such thing as forever because forever always dies. I'm the perfect example.
)'=
Labels: truth .